And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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