Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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