that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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