why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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