so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
