I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Too much gin, very little bucket
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
