If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
