he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
