I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
