I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
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I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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