thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
