I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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