There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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