Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
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he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
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Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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