when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
