Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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