I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
