Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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