apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
