p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
