im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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