he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
