Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
