No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
