There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
