My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
