she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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