I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
