Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Even my vagina gasped.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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