Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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