i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
