non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I checked into jail on foursquare
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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