oh god the rape fog is back!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
