Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
