3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
