Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
