I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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