dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
