I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
