I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
