About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
