So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...