On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.