I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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