I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
