failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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