i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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