i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
