Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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