At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
