I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
