Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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