Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
