why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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