Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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