I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
as a side note pls kill me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
