he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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