Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
